Buffybot: You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked. I mean, really!
Spike: So you thought you could just slip away, then? Vampire, remember? I could feel you.
Spike: I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
Spike: This isn't over till one of us is a pile of dust, mate.
Spike: Yeah, yeah, "anything happens to 'em I'll stake you good and proper." Sing me a new one sometime, eh? That bit's gone stale.
Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
Spike: I've got an unlife you know
Spike: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'etre, you know.
Spike: Right, lets not listen to Spike! Might get a bit of truth on you
Spike: First I save her, then I kill her. No, I'll kill her, then I'll save her!
Dawn: We-we have to wait for the others-
Spike: Look! Dawn, I get that you're scared. But I'm your sitter, so mind me. I'm not gonna let any of those buggers lay so much as a warty digit on you. Right?
Dawn: Right.
Spike: Right, then. We can't wait around to see if the others will pop in. We're on our own. No one's coming to our rescue.
Spike: Beneath me, I'll show her, put her six feet beneath me..Hasn't got a death wish? Bitch won't need one.
Spike: Who do you have to kill for fun around here?
Spike: Slaaayer! Here Kitty, kittyyy!
Spike: A slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure
Spike: If at first you don't succeed, I'll kill him and you'll try again
Spike: Oh, it's the Slayer. For a second there I was worried
Spike: I get this spell reversed, they'll be finding your body for weeks.
Spike: Tell you what I'll do then. Head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and watch..as she kills you
Can any one of you damned little Scooby Club at least try to remember that I HATE you all. Just because I can't do the damage myself, doesn't stop me from aiming a loose kin in your way...and here I thought the evening'd be dull.
Xander: Go ahead, you wouldn't even recognize her!
Spike: Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith...criminally insane. Like this girl already.
Spike: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.
Spike: Are you insane?! We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in the friends' beds.
Spike: Oh, I'm sorry, did I sully our good name? We're vampires!
Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would've been like woodstock
Spike: I was actually at woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off of a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move
Spike: Right, then! Now we just let them come to a simmering boil, and remove to a low flame.
Spike: I don't fancy spending the next month trying to get Librarian out of the carpet.
Spike: The gem of Amara. Official sponsor of my killing you
Spike: And since you got your pad decked out gladiator style, and no number two pencils have been provided - I guess we're not starting with the written. Well? Ah. Here we go, then. Just me and the walking action figure. I'm venturing this would be the Kill-or-be-killed type situation, then?
Spike: You know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.
Spike: What rhymes with lungs?
Spike: Come on, someone's gotta stake me
Buffy: I'll do it. What? You thought I was just gonna let that lie there?
Buffy: You know this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
Spike: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck?
Spike: Thought I was gonna leave town? It's a free country. Free party. If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me.
Spike: Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on earth.
Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, you'll shag, you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood, it's blood screaming inside you to work it's will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
Spike: Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything I came back to Sunnydale for, which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass. Now, when I have the gem, they'll all die, don't worry. But until then, stay inside. And by the way, I would be insanely happy if I heard bugger all about sodding France.
Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there. That nasty little face, that bouncing, shampoo commercial hair. That whole holier-than-thou attitude
Buffy: Life is stupid.
Spike: I have a dim memory of that, yeah. And I didn't figure you were here cadging my whiskey 'cause life's all full of blood and peaches.
Xander: Sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow'll get this look. This what-the-hell-do-you-see-in-her? look.
Spike: I know that look. A lot of people never really got Dru, you know?
Xander: Well, she was insane.
Spike: Oh, I get it. You just don't like who did the rescuing, that's all. Wishing I was your boyfriend what's-his-face. Oh wait, he's run off.
Buffy: You know what? I don't need a boyfriend, to rescue me or for any other reason.
Spike: Don't need or can't keep? You keep making notches in the headboard but eventually they get up out of the bed and run off, don't they?
Buffy: You're disgusting.
Spike: Oh, rough talk. Maybe that's your problem, maybe you push 'em away. Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much. Or maybe... your beauty's fading. The stress of slaying, aging you prematurely. Things not as high, not as firm.
Buffy: You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't.
Spike: Or maybe you just don't hold their interest.
Spike: Are we feeling better then?
Dru: I'm naming the stars
Spike: Can't see the stars, luv. That's the ceiling. Also, its day
Buffy: What are you doing here? Five words or less.
Spike: Out... for... a... walk... bitch.
Spike: Look, I'm just passing through, satisfied? You know, I really hope so, because God knows need some satisfaction in your life, besides shagging captain cardboard, and, and, I never really liked you anyway, and, you have stupid hair.
Spike: I'm sorry baby. I'm a bad, rude man.
Spike: Harm, what are you doing?
Harmony: I'm writing Spike loves Harmony on your back.
Spike: Why?
Harmony: I don't know, it's fun. I'm bored. You can write on me.
Spike: I've got to get back to work.
Harmony: You love that tunnel more than me.
Spike: I love syphilis more than you.
Spike: I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again. Love's a funny thing.
Spike: So, we got to Brazil, and she was... she was just different. I gave her everything - beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would flirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a chaos demon! Have you ever seen a chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting
Spike: I'm not sure I followed you round that bend, luv
Spike: If want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place, I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again.
Spike: Well, looky here. I don't usually use the word delicious, but I've gotta wager this little tableau must sting a bit, eh? Me and your former? Must kill. What can I say? Girl just needs a little monster in her man.
Spike: The day you suss out what you do want, there'll probably be a parade. Twenty-six bloody trombones
Buffy: Bell. Neck. Look into it.
Spike: Comes with a nice leather collar, right?
Spike: Oh! I saw that. Looks like neither boy is entirely welcome. You should take him home, Slayer. Make him stay there. I've got knitting needles he can borrow.
Spike: Someone should teach you how to use candles in foreplay, luv
Spike: Now, I admit it. You've had me by the short hairs. I love you. You know it. But I got my rocks back. You felt something last night
Buffy: Not Love
Spike: Not yet. But I'm in your system now. You're gonna crave me, like I crave blood. And the next time you come crawling, if you don't stop being such a bitch, maybe I will bite you.
Spike: She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?
Spike: No, this is different. Our love was eternal. Literally. You got any of those little marshmallows?
Spike: Do you even like me?
Buffy: Sometimes.
Spike: But you like what I do to you. ... Do you trust me?
Buffy: Never.
Buffybot: You're evil.
Spike: And that excites you?
Buffybot: It excites me, it terrifies me. I try so hard to resist you and I can't.
Spike: Yeah?
Buffybot: !
Spike: You can't deny it-- there's something between us.
Buffy: Loathing. Disgust.
Spike: Heat. Desire.
Spike: You're not a schoolgirl. You're not a shop girl. You're a creature of the darkness. Like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels.
Buffy: Are there drinks in your world?
Spike: Oh, so that's all. You've just come to pump me for information?
Buffy: What else would I wanna pump you for? I really just said that didn't I?
Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Well, then, can I make him one?
Spike: No...On second thought, yeah, go do that. Do Melanie and the kids as well.
Spike: I think it'd be best now if you hit the road.
Harmony: Why? Because she's back?
Spike: No. Because I am.
Spike: What the hell does it take?! Why do you bitches torture me?!
Buffy: Which question do you want me to answer first?
Spike: So, she's having the wiggins, is she? None of us are real? Pretty self-centered, if you ask me.
Xander: Spike, we need muscle, not color commentary.
Spike: On the other hand, it might explain some things. This all being in that twisted brain of hers. Yeah, fix up some chip in my head, make me soft, fall in love with her, then, turn me into her sodding sex slave.
Xander: What?
Spike: Nothing...alternative realities, where we're all little figments of Buffy's funnyfarm delusion. You know, in a different reality, you might not have left your bride at the alter. Might have gone through with it, like a man.
Xander: Okay, one more syllable about Anya and...(Demon jumps out) Hey!
Spike: Oh, balls! You didn't say he was a Glargabullgashmanick.
Xander: Because I can't *say* Glarga... (cut off by demon attacking)
Spike: Now, don't tell me that wasn't fun. Oh, God! It's been so long since I had a decent spot of violence. Really puts things in perspective.
Spike: Don't I get a cookie?
Spike: You know, you take killing for granted, and then it's gone and you're like I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stopped and smelled the corpses. you know?
Spike: Ooooh, a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
Spike: Birds singing, squirrels making lots of rotten little squirrels. Sun beaming down in a nice, non-fatal way. It's very exciting, I can't wait to see if I freckle.
Spike: I've known corpses with a fresher smell, in fact, I've been one!
Spike: Buffy. Hey now. If I'd-a known you were coming, I'd-a baked a cake.
Joyce: He'll Kill us
Spike: Not while I breathe. Well, actually, I don't breathe
Spike: From now on, we're going to have a lot less ritual and a little more fun around here!
Spike:'How can I thank you, you mysterious black-clad
hunk of a night-thing.''
'No need, little lady. Your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a bad-ass vampire. But love and a pesky curse defanged me and now I'm just a big fluffy puppy with bad teeth.
No, not the hair. Never the hair.'
'But there must be some way I can show my appreciation.'
'No. Helping those in need is my job and working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough.'
'I understand, I have a nephew who's gay.'
'Say no more, evil's still afoot and I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hairgel I like so much. Quickly! To the Angel-mobile. Away!'
Harmony: I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books and stuff.
Spike: What, Evil for Dummies? Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new Big Bad. It's, uh ... well, let's face it, it's adorable.
Vamp: What is your malfunction, man?
Spike: It's Halloween, you nit. We take the night off. Those are the rules.
Vamp: Me and mine don't follow no stinkin' rules. We're rebels.
Spike: No, I'm a rebel. You're an idiot. Give the lot of us a bad name
Spike: It's paradise! Big windows and lovely gardens. They'll be perfect for when we want the sunlight to kill us.
Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine? What a world!...I mean, this tortured thing is an act, right? You're not... housebroken?
Xander: I'm looking for something in a broadsword
Spike: Don't be swinging that thing near me.
Xander: Hey, I happen to be -
Spike: A glorified brick-layer?
Xander: I'm also a swell bowler.
Anya: Has his own shoes.
Spike: The Gods themselves do tremble.
Xander: Spike? What are you doing?
Spike: What am I... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I?
Xander: Exercising? Naked. In bed?
Spike: A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. Gotta keep fit for the killing
Xander: Yuh-huh? Looks like you had a little trouble upstairs. Mini disaster area
Spike: So, what? You just came over to critisise my house-keeping?
Spike: It's definitely the crypt, right? I'm not keen on tunneling into someone's septic tank.
Spike: What's wrong, luv?
Buffy: What's wrong?! You were gonna help me! You, you were gonna beat heads and, and, and fix my life! But you're completely lame! Tonight sucks! And, and look at me! Look at, look at stupid Buffy! Too dumb for college, and, and, and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And, and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even *before* the hour that wouldn't end! And the only person I can even stand to be around is a… neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker.
Spike: Oh, you saw the cheating, did you?
Buffy: Also... I think you're drunk!
Spike: I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the helpless. I'm a vampire with a soul
Buffy: A vampire with a soul? Oh my God, how lame is that?
Spike: Oh listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody Hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, Oh God! I'm English
Giles: Welcome to the nancy tribe
Buffy: Where you born this big a pain in the ass?
Spike: What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad.
Spike: Randy Giles? Why not just call me, Horny Giles, or desperate for a shag Giles?
Anya: Do we know where we're going yet?
Spike: We'd already be somewhere if Captain Slow Poke would give up the wheel. Hey gramps, bloody step on it!
Giles: Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power.
Buffy: What do you want?
Spike: I told you. I want to stop Angel. I want to save the world.
Buffy: Okay, you do remember that you're a vampire, right?
Spike: We like to talk big... vampires do. "I'm going to destory the world." That's just tough-guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of
blood.
The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction.
Angel could pull it off. Good-bye, Picadilly. Farewell, Leicester-bloody-Square.
You know what I'm saying?
Spike: It warms the cockles of my non-beating heart seeing you lads.
Buffy: Giles is working on it
Spike: Oh good, 'cause Giles wields the mighty force of library books
Spike: So, who's gonna advance me a tiny tabby, get me started?
Spike: Funny hearing a Fyarl demon say 'serviceable.' Had a couple of them working for me once. They're more like 'Like to crush. Crush now?' Strong though. You won't meet a jar you can't open for the rest of your life
Spike: Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me eleven quid for one thing.
Spike: We're out of weetabix.
Giles: We are out of weetabix because you ate it all- again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yep. Well sometimes I like to crumble up the weetabix in the blood, gives it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means I will never touch food of any kind again you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
Spike: Sissy.
Spike: I admit, it's a bit of a fixer upper. Needs a woman's touch. Care to have a crack at it?
Giles: While I'd love to go on trading jabs with you, Spike, perhaps I'll come to the point. As much as it pains me to say it, um, I owe you a debt of gratitude for the help you provided me in my recent.... metamorphosis.
Spike: Stuff the gratitude. You owe me more than that, mate.
Giles: Three hundred. Count it if you'd like.
Spike: I'll do that.
Giles: Um, thinking about your affliction and, uh, your newfound discovery that you can fight only demons; it occurs to me that, I realize this is completely against your nature but I-I-I-- Has it occured to you that there may be a higher purpose --
Spike: Ugh! You made me lose count. What are you still doing here?
Giles: Talking to myself, apparently.
Spike: I'm saying, Spike had a trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore
Xander: Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're looking for, we face an apocalypse
Spike: Really? You're not just saying that?
Spike: What's this? Just sitting about watching the telly when there's evil afoot? Not very industrious of you. I say we get out there and kick a little
demon ass! Can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken?
She is the Chosen One after all. Come on! Vampires, grrrr - nasty! Let's annihalate 'em! For justice! And . . . and for the safety of puppies . . . and Christmas, right?
Let's fight evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on . . .
Giles: Look, look, Spike... we have no intention of killing a harmless.. uh, creature.. but we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure that you're... impotent...
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we're sure you're, you're...
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy.
Buffy: Giles, help! He's going to scold me.
Spike: It's not like I don't have plans. Great Pumpkins on in twenty
Buffy: A Bear
Spike: You made a bear?
Buffy: I didn't mean to!
Spike: Undo it! Undo it!
Spike: I'm not going anywhere. Not until those Bastards undo whatever they did to me
Xander: Sure, just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people
Spike: You think that would work?
Spike: Come on in. There's plenty of blood in the fridge.
Dawn: Do you mean, like, real blood?
Spike: What do you think?
Dawn: Mostly, I think ewww!
Spike: Okay. How 'bout this one? Twice in recent memory, she's had the loverwiccas do a de-invite on the house, keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest list?
Spike: Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it I'll-
Giles: Do what? Lick me to death?
Spike: They have chicken wings too. Also a sort of flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. It's brilliant.
Xander: Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?
Spike: Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell.
Harmony: You know what it means that he can'thurt any living thing? It means he can't even pick flowers.
Spike: What? Yes I can!
Spike: I don't understand. This sort of things never happened to me before
Willow: Maybe you were nervous
Spike: I felt alright when I started. Lets try again (leaps at her and draws back in pain) OW! Oh! OW! Darn It!
Willow: Maybe you're trying to hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me it doesn't
Spike: I don't see why I have to be tied up.
Xander: It's just while I'm sleeping.
Spike: Like I'd bite you anyway.
Xander: Oh you would.
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very biteable pal. I'm moist and delicious.
Spike: Alright, yeah fine you're a nummy treat.
Xander: And don't you forget it!
Spike: You want me to take them out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little.
Spike: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinking pig's blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rank high in Zagut's guide.
Riley: If you touched her, you know I'd kill you for real.
Spike: I had this chip out of my head, I'd have killed you long ago. Ain't love grand?
Spike: I can feel it. Squirming in my head
Clem: Love?
Spike: The chip. Bits and chunks
Clem: Maybe a wet cloth.
Spike: Everything used to be so clear. Slayer, Vampire. Vampire kills Slayer. Sucks her dry. Picks his teeth with the bones. Its always been that way. I've tasted the life of two slayer. But with Buffy.... It isn't suposed to be this way. It's the chip. Steel and wires and silicon. It won't let me be a monster and I can't be a man. I'm nothing.
Clem: Hey! Come on now Mr Negative. You never know whats just around the corner. Things change.
Spike: Humpf..... If you make em!
Spike: I mean, am I even remotely scary anymore? Tell me the truth.
Willow: Well, the shirt is kinda... not very threatening. And the short pants... But, you know, it could also be 'cause I know you can't bite. Which I guess isn't what you really need to hear right now...
Spike: Hey! Little sympathy for the man with the migraine here, can we?
Buffy: Well, that's what you get for attacking humans
Spike: Yeah. You'd think if the government was gonna put a chip in my head,they'd at least make it so I could attack criminals and that sort
Buffy: Yeah, because muggers deserve to be eaten
Spike: Oh, leave that one! He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.
Spike: Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? 'You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up some day.
Spike: What's with him?
Adam: I activated his chip.
Spike: Oh, so, it's chips all around, is it? Someone must've bought the party pack.
Spike: You're a bloody guest in my bloody home
Xander: You're dealing with all of us.
Spike: 'Cept me.
Xander: 'Cept Spike.
Spike: I don't care what happens.
Spike: Since when did you become all soul-having? I thought you outgrew that
Spike: And I'm just supposed to help you out of the evilness of my heart?
Spike: Uh… I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I had done that… even if I didn't make it… you wouldn't have had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but… after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again… do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways… (softly) Every night I save you.
Angel: Leave her alone
Spike: Yeah, that'll work. Now say pretty please
Xander: The point is, I worked hard for that money
Spike: And you're saying I didn't?
Xander: You stole it
Spike: And you're making it very hard work!
Spike: Damn right I'm impure, I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow! Let me go!
Spike: Mark my words. The Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion victim, ex-god like you
Joyce: Have we met?
Spike: You hit me with an axe one time. Remember? Uh, 'get the hell away from my daughter!'
Joyce: Oh. So, do you, uh, live here in town?
Spike: (re: Dawn) Well, whaddya you know, Bitty Buffy
Spike: Haven't you figured it all out yet, with your enormous squishy frontal lobes?
Spike: Shouldn't you be tucked up in your beddy-bye? All warm and safe where nothing can eat you?
Dawn: Is that supposed to scare me?
Spike: Little tremble wouldn't hurt
Dawn: Sorry, its just... come on! I'm badder than you
Spike: Are not!
Spike: Come on, what are you waiting for? Grab your coat and your pointy sticks.